I believe at last count there were 4,879,246 articles on the Internet describing how to maintain a healthy relationship. Therefore, I felt it was important to write another. I was also inspired by the fact that this article title is now used as a sample placeholder article for downloadable empty blog templates which further trivializes the subject to the point where I feel I can now confidently enter the fray.
Happy relationships are a byproduct of fake news. Oddly enough, the Russians, who are not well-known for happiness in any form, may well be behind the proliferation of this theme online. It is believed that they can undermine our culture by encouraging us to believe in delusional happiness as a perpetual human state and necessary birthright such that, at the mere hint of anti-glee, we will break our society apart and devour it in yummy toxic bits.
Nonetheless, here are several ways to maintain total unadulterated bliss at all times in your relationships. The good news is that if these fail to bring about the desired result, it is most likely that something is wrong with you. Just to be entirely clear, this is good news for me.
1. Communication: It is best to communicate using a series of mono-syllabic grunts coupled with passive aggressive facial expressions of various forms of disapproval. Anything more complex than this is likely to create a phenomenon known as “sharing” which generally leads to some form of unhappiness within 4-12 minutes of the first symptoms.
2. Listening: Hearing is the natural enemy of happiness. To test this theory please go to the nearest public place and listen to other people speak. Within 4-12 minutes you are likely to feel faint or experience acid reflux. However, in a relationship, if two people follow the main principles outlined in point #1, there should be little listening to do.
3. Compromise: Happiness depends entirely on indulging your every need and fleeting whim without hesitation. If anything is interfering with that it is likely you may have fallen prey to momentary bout of listening. If you find yourself feeling the need to consider someone else’s needs, the Russians may have already won.
4. Respect: It is very important in relationships that the other person manifest respect for you on the off chance you happen to be noticing what they are doing.
5. Honesty: This comes in the form of an ointment that can be purchased online or grown in petri dishes in cool dark areas of your house. Rub some on your face before communicating and it may help. If someone claims that you are not honest, then point out that they may have accidently been listening and remind them to compromise by showing you some respect. Then rub some on them.
Remember, above all, it is important to remember that it is your patriotic duty to pursue unfettered joy at every turn. For the good of our country, please keep these principles in mind in your relationships lest our nation will melt into the now dangerously warming seas from whence our ancestors crawled several years ago. Think of them. Think of yourself. Think of me. Best wishes.